Here are some tips I have for men who feel their sexual desires are so strong they sabotage their relationships and want to try celibacy to learn to control them. Whether they want to be celibate for a certain period of time or until they get married I have some important things for them to remember. Celibacy (sel-uh-buh-see) n.: is when a person has a normal dating lifestyle without sex. Because casual sex is so popular in America and can be such a distraction some people feel if they eliminate sexual activity from their dating process it will help them find a better person.

I first heard about celibacy in the early 90s shortly after Magic Johnson announced that he had contracted HIV. I was in between relationships myself and the girl I was planning to date decided she didn’t want to have sex anymore. Since she just ended a relationship with a guy who was a big time cheater she felt she needed to be celibate for a while. Her rational made me think I was over prioritizing sex myself and that I couldn’t control my desires so I became celibate as well. I practiced celibacy for three years during my 20s. During those years I met girls who were also celibate and others who were abstinent. Abstinence is different from celibacy. Abstinence (Ab-sti-nence) is defined as the commitment to not participate in sexual activity, which includes intercourse, genital contact, and other sexually arousing activities. People who are abstinent normally do not date; they are mostly virgins and dating is not as recreational as it is for people who are celibate. They have chosen to abstain from sex and even casual dating. I chose to only be celibate because I still wanted to hang out with women and see if I could control my sexual urges enough to find a woman I liked more than just sexually. Since celibacy is different from abstinence and most people have experienced sex it is challenging in a different way. So I have put together a list of tips for men or women who feel they need more control of their sexual urges.

1. Understand and accept that men can control their sexual urges but this society does not admit it. Therefore, being celibate you will be considered weird and abnormal by members of society including yourself (sometimes).
2. Explain your practice to the people you are dating and tell them why you chose to practice celibacy.
3. Study your relationships with females before, during and after your celibacy period.
4. It is intelligent to want to learn how to control your sexual urges and anyone who cannot understand or accept that is not someone who is good for you.
5. Do some research about the many uses of sex around the world specifically non-European cultures because US is a European culture. Think critically on the purpose of sex and it will lead you to more than a recreational use of it. Some good questions for you to ask yourself are “why sex is pleasurable?” and “what is procreation?”
6. Understand sex starts in the mind and you will not lose you mind if you don’t have it.
7. Learn how to please yourself by yourself? Masturbation is natural and will not make you go blind but like everything else use it in moderation.
8. Understand your body will take time to adjust to not having sex if you’ve been engaging in it very often. You may naturally release fluids from thoughts, memories and dreams. Don’t let it spook you out.
9. Set a time frame for how long you would like to be celibate.
10. Try not to put yourself in environments where sexual energy is very high.

Tips for People using Abstinence
Even though I never used Abstinence I would still like to offer some advice to people who would like to use it. Whether you are a virgin or a recommitted virgin abstinence is a different machine than celibacy. People who are using abstinence are not going on dates with people with hopes of starting a relationship. They wish to put off the search for a life partner until a certain amount of time elapses or until they are ready. Here are my three simple tips for people who are using abstinence.

1. Avoid direct sexual stimuli. No matter whether you have had sex or not the chances you don’t know what it is are very slim. Sexual promotion is everywhere and it affects everyone. When I was celibate I dated a girl who was a virgin and when she started reading a black erotic book she started to lose her grip on her virginity. So it is important for everyone to respect the lure of sexual promotion and avoid porn and other forms of high sexual stimuli.
2. Tell everybody. Telling people is important for two reasons. First because it is considerate to the people around who may be interested in you. Second because people will help you stay on your course. They will be proud of you and help keep stimuli away from you.
3. Remember your motivation. a. God. This will strengthen you in your faith.
b. Control. Better sexual control.
c. Fear of disease. Abstinence is hands down the safest form of disease and pregnancy prevention.

I do an abstinent workshop every year in Ft. Lauderdale and I modified the Hip Hop Dating Codes for them. I replaced code 3 which is not having sex on the first night and strengthened the conversation aspect. Code 2 for abstinent people is have real talk on the first night they meet someone. I also replace code 4 which is I will use birth control until married with I will educate myself on the various forms of birth control and STD prevention. I wanted to strengthen the focus of contraceptive awareness of people who are not having sex. Statistics show that girls who are abstinent through high school have a higher pregnancy rate than girls who have are sexually active in their teenage years.

Please as always hit me up if you have comments on this subject. I hope these tips help you.