Q: Why is it that some men don’t want to commit? I have two friends who are both in relationships with men they’ve been seeing for at least two years. Neither man wants to discuss marriage, even though they say they love these women.
A: Let’s run down the possibilities. There are three main reasons why a man doesn’t want to commit to a woman: 1) He’s just not that into you; 2) He’s been so burned in the past by bad relationships that he doesn’t want to settle down again; and 3) He doesn’t want to give up his bachelorhood, i.e. the freedom to do the nasty with other ladies and spend “quality time” with their single buddies.
1) He’s not really that into you. He’s not that excited, pleased, and awed by you as his future soul mate. This is a deal-breaker. Maybe, he likes you around for the sex, and the fun, but you may not be the woman he really wants to settle down with. Perhaps, he has a certain type of woman with a certain type of physical look he really wants to marry. Really, the reasons don’t matter. The important thing is for you to do a reality check, and determine if he really seems to be crazy about you as his lifelong partner, or if he’s just stringing you along. Be aware of these warning signs that he’s not that into you: Does he avoid talking about certain topics, seem disinterested in you at times, look at other women a lot, and is rarely available to see you at the times you really want him? If you answered “yes” to one or more of these, then it’s likely that he doesn’t really see you as “The One.” If that’s the case, there’s little you can do, but go your own way. Say bye-bye.
2) He’s been burned by past relationships. This is easier to deal with. Open and honest communication here is a must. Start by talking about some of your own love disappointments, but assure him that you have an open and willing heart to love a man like him as your life partner. Explain that when two people are compatible, love each other, and have a strong faith base for their relationship, they will succeed in marriage where others have failed.
3) He’s worried about losing his freedom to have sex with as many women as he wants. Try a little reverse psychology on him. Tell him this: “If you want to have sex with a lot of women, then choose one woman. If you want to have sex with only one woman, then go ahead and play the field with many women.” What this means, you explain to him, is that, by making love to one woman (you) over and over again, he will see the depths of your personality, the different shades of you, over a long period of time. He will see many women in you, as you play different roles sexually, emotionally, and psychologically. On the other hand, if he goes out with many women, he will likely pick the same type of woman, and only know her superficially, sexually, for a short period of time Thus, it’s like he’s only having sex with the same (type of) woman, over and over again, without experiencing the depth of mutual sexual passion he could enjoy with you. You’ve got him now; close out the conversation with this unbeatable statement: “Honey, don’t worry; when we’re married, you can still have your boy’s night out; your friends are my friends. As long as we love and respect each other, I know I can trust you to do the right thing.”
Now that you’ve made your best case, the rest is up to him. If he really loves and wants you, he will marry you, in a heartbeat. Not because he feels pressured, but because he truly wants to spend the rest of his life with such a caring, trusting, sexually passionate and intelligent woman.