As my legs and now arms continue to betray me, I can honestly say my greatest fear in life is becoming uncommunicative, bedridden and losing my sense of purpose and significance in life.
Nothing new has happened, this is just the way I’ve felt for a long time and have told very few. Why? Because most people just won’t understand. It’s just that life can be unknown, real and very scary for any person living with a chronic illness.
In my case, I haven’t significantly responded to any therapy with the exception of chemotherapy. So right now, I’m feeling a bit bitter and put out. I need to get it out of my mind that my MS is not a common cold. I have an incurable chronic progressive and often disabling disease.
In truth, I put this out there so I can essentially release this fear. I do that so it will not inhibit me from doing what needs to be done in this present moment. I’ve watched people become mentally engulfed by their illness. Their happiest memories are trapped in their past and they feel that their future is so unpredictable that it’s difficult to see any light. That was me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe without inhaling fear.
But now I face my fears with the truth. I understand my circumstance and I don’t worry about the things I can’t control. When I’m in my darkest hour I try to look for the light. And that light is here. It’s right now. It’s this present moment.
I know that I can control what is happening at this moment. It is my choice. So I choose to...be happy.