The Importance of Understanding Your Own Dating History
Learning your dating history is similar to when you are asked about your diet when you go to the hospital. Before you are fully diagnosed, your eating and other aspects of you health history are documented and studied. Diagnosing dating problems is done the same way. When clients come to me complaining about the quality of the selection of men or women available I help them understand that the solution to their problem lies in their own dating history.
Ask yourself and document your answers.
Where did you meet your past dates? Where you meet your dates is always an important thing to keep track of. Certain types of people hang out in certain types of places. I call this the venue menu but if you are having problems meeting good dates it may not be as simple as going to a different bar or you may need to change the type of venue altogether. People often think they attract a certain type of guy. I hear women say “even when I dress down and not so sexy I still meet guys who just want to have sex with me.” When I ask these women where they’ve met these guys and the say “the club.” Well, night clubs offer physical contact, alcohol and even other drugs, loud music and dim lights. This venue is perfect for bootycall scooting and that’s just what the venue menu is for a nightclub. People, especially men who depend on music and alcohol to loosen up prospective date inhibitions go to night clubs and dance or better vertically lapdance so they can turn on their seduction skills. Bootycall wanting men are not the only people who go to nightclubs but if a person is having problems meeting men without sex on their agenda they need to change the place they look for dates.
What are your dating activities? Dating is a collection of activities. What you do during your period of dating has a big impact on the formation of your bond. It doesn’t matter how much of a soul mate you feel you are it is still important to do a variety of activities. College students have a bad habit of date repetition. They will have pizza and watch DVDs for an entire semester. Then after four months they still don’t know anything about the person they’ve been dating and having sex with.
What were the histories of the people you dated? Its always good to learn what kind of dating history the people you have been dating have. Were you the nice guy for them after they dated a bunch of thugs? Were you the first girl they’ve dated who was the same race as them? Do they usually date people older than them? Answers to these questions tell you a lot about what may have been going wrong in your relationship. It is very hard to know exactly what caused a break up but learning the dating history of people you date you may find out you were the rebound chick for your last few dates and there wasn’t anything you did in particular that messed up the relationship. Something like that means you need to give the people you plan on dating a little more time before you enter in a relationship with them.
What ended the relationship? You need to get your opinion and the opinion of the person you’ve been dating of why the relationship ended. It is important to get an idea of how each of your relationships ended. How a failed relationship ends is much more important than how the relationship began. Depending on the length of the relationship and the activities during the relationship also play an important role in understanding what needs to be corrected in your dating process. People may be good at attracting people but they don’t maintain their interest in the relationship. Cheating is not always something that is predestined to happen. Sometimes men and even women seek intimacy outside of their relationship when the relationship gets boring and ultimately causes the end of the relationship. Therefore a woman who’s last few relationships ended this way may not be caused by her just meeting a dog or player it maybe that her dating activities are not fun and the men she is dating don’t know how to break up with her or they just want a piece of her. A lot of relationship deteriorate into just sex before they totally dissolve. Also a lot of people both men and women like to have another person to date before they end the relationship they are in.
Who picked up who? How did you meet? Are you a chooser or a chosen date? Do you select of settle? How do you meet the people you’ve dated? Are your dates people whom you were friends with first or did you not know them before you started dating them? What were you doing when you made first contact? What were you wearing? Were you doing something characteristic of you or were trying something new? What kind of person introduced you? If they are freaky or heavily into politics the likelihood of the person they hooked you up with expecting you to be that way is very high.
What were the type of people you dated? Have your last few boyfriends all been football players or are you a breast man or do you just date blonds? Do you select your dates cerebrally or do you let physical characteristics guide your date selection? These are important questions for people who choose their date. Our attraction should be a balance of physical and personal characteristics. For people who are most of the time chosen by the people they date this question is still important because it help them determine what kind of people they attract. Sometimes solving your dating dilemma is as simple as improving the criteria you base your date selection on.
It’s easy to understand your problem when you do something obvious that destroys your relationship but most of the more difficult problems are not that obvious. According to a survey done by TopDatingTips.com 29% of people claim their relationships ended either because of cheating and 20% claimed they either drifted apart or it was unknown circumstances. Too often people think they can just close their eyes and remember their past experiences, but I find its much more effective to write out your experiences on paper. Whether you are the problem or the people you’re meeting are the problem you cannot make the best adjustments unless you have an understanding of your dating history. Once you have that understanding of your problem or problems you can start working on the solutions. Many people ignore their past and keep on doing the same thing over and over like the world is going to change. The questions I’ve listed will help determine what these less obvious causes are. Dating history is something so simple is but most people ignore it and continue having problems. People make wish lists of the type of people they want to meet but they offend neglect examining why they are not meeting them. That’s just like making a wish for good health and not studying the food and exercise you are already doing. To achieve either of those goals your action plan has to stem from your current actions. It is important to ask yourself these questions individually if you are to determine the problem you are having with dating. You are your history and if you don’t change something about your behavior your present condition will not change. Wake up people you’re a lot easier to change than the world!
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