Back in 2004 after I made the movie Gold Digger Killer I developed the Hip Hop dating codes to help GOOD, well intentioned people use smart dating activities in order to be the best daters they can be without hurting people in the process. Gold Digger Killer told a story of a good girl who was lured into the nasty world of gold digging through a couple of friends of hers. When I started touring film festivals with Gold Digger Killer I was repeatedly asked where do Gold Diggers come from? Or my favorite question “which came first, Gold Diggers or Players?”
Both Gold Diggers and Players create more players and gold diggers when they juice dates for money or cheat on their dates. “Playing” dates or having multiple girlfriends or boyfriends is created from sexual greed and disrespect. How ever these values are so common in American culture that they are hard to notice. Many times men look up to the man with multiple women as some sort of dating hero or role model. This confusion creates a lot of misguided daters. These misguided daters are wannabe players. Wannabe players are more common than real players. Wannabe players attempt to play women and do not know the pain they create. This list is to provide clarity on the basic tenants of good dating for people who are confused on what they should be doing when they are dating. This is my person breadcrumb trail to matrimony.

To clarify the terms I will break down Hip Hop and Dating: Hip Hop (h÷»‰p) (h÷»¬p) noun: a subculture which is a merger of English and Spanish speaking Caribbean cultures with the African American culture. I use Hip Hop as my back drop because America is a multicultural world and many people are dating outside of the culture and religion. So this list is not for Christians who only date other Christians. They should consult their Pastors and abide by the roles of Courting. It is not for Jewish people who only date other Jewish people, they should listen to their Rabbis and adhere to Shidduch. It is not for Muslims who only date other Muslims, they should follow the Nikah and listen to the advice of their Iman. People who are members of cultures who arrange marriages like Indian culture which have the Grahastha Ashram and want to have a marriage arranged for them should cooperate with that process. The Hip Hop Dating Codes are for people who want to date outside of their culture or religion.

Dating (dat ing) adj: The process used to find a life partner for the purpose of marriage. I always think of a girl in one of my workshops who asked me what I meant by dating. She asked “Do you mean dating or like, dating?” Whether you are going on a series of dates with someone or have made a commitment to being a girlfriend or boyfriend it is still dating. Going on a series of dates with different people is just like watching a small part of a movie. Even in 5 minutes of a movie you may not learn the entire story but you still get the names of the characters and the setting of the story. Going just on a dinner date still allows you the opportunity to learn a lot about a person. On a brief date you learn how you and your date dialogue, if they are punctual, and if the make you laugh or think. What you learn in a brief date goes double if sex is involved and there is a string of booty calls following each date.

Here is the breakdown of each of the Hip Hop Dating Codes and a little explanation. The HHDCs are listed as both a bullet point and a pledge. These are not commandments they are factors you need to commit yourself to while dating.

1. DATE ONLY ONE PERSON I will only date one person at one time. Most people who practice cheating while dating have a hard time staying committed after they get married. So, it is best to learn how to end a relationship if you feel you want to stray or learn how to stay committed to your dates before you take on a spouse. Dating one person at a time is not just good for teaching you how to be monogamist but it also helps you focus on the person you are dating. While your dating someone you need to learn if they make you upset can they also make you happy again. If you run to person B when you have an argument with person A you will never learn how your relationship will be with person A only. Lastly it is healthier to be sexually monogamist because there are diseases like mono/mononucleosis that makes people who have multiple sex partners a higher risk. While mono is not considered an STD it is caused by Epstein-Bar virus a Herpes virus. Nicknamed “the kissing disease” it is spread by saliva. Now mono is as mild as the flu and mostly goes unnoticed but because most people don’t detect it they can damage their spleens or livers by exercising or working to hard while their bodies are fighting the disease.

2. NO SEX ON 1ST NIGHT I will not be physically intimate on the first date. This is not to be confused with having a booty call. Sex on the first night refers to having sex the first night you meet someone. This usually happens when traveling like on spring break, a music festival or vacation. It is important to commit yourself to not having sex on the first night because these types of sexual experiences usually happen after meeting at a bar where there is a lot of drinking or after a long period of vertical lap dancing at a club. Alcohol (and other drugs) and hormones severely distort judgment and make sex hard to avoid. If you wait at least until the next day (and I don’t mean 12am) you maybe able to notice something you missed the first night. Rushed or alcohol distorted sex is the most risky form of sex even if contraceptives are used. Instead of having sex on the first night take the time to talk and get to know something significant about the person you are so hot for like their last name or their real name.

3. DEFINE THE RELATIONSHIP I will define and declare my relationship before
becoming physically intimate. It is important for you to make relationship clarity a habit before having sex with someone. Especially if you are having a “just sex” relationship. Because of the potential risks of having sex it is important to a least have a clear understanding with the person you are planning to have sex with. Sexual activity puts you at risk for not only disease transfer and pregnancy but a heightened emotional connection. Misunderstood relationship status is not only responsible for after school fights but it is fatally dangerous for adults. I always say in my workshops “condoms only protect against disease and pregnancy they don’t protect against feelings. If they did no one would used them.” Mary Jo Buttafuco was almost killed when her husband had an affair with a 17 year old girl who caught feelings. Steve McNair was killed by a 20 year old girl his was having sex with. And finally if death isn’t enough to prove this point then maybe two words CHILD SUPPORT or single parent may illustrate the risks of having sex with relationship status confusion.

4. CONTRACEPTIVES UNTIL MARRAIGE I will use birth control until married. Condoms have been around for over a hundred years but it wasn’t until after the sexually free years of the 60s did they really become popular. It was because of the rise of sexually transmitted diseases that the Center for Disease Control took alarm. Condoms and other contraceptives are not only successful at protecting against disease transfer they even more successful at protecting against pregnancy. Even if you are a happily dating couple an unexpected pregnancy can severely change the relationship. Since contraceptives are so easy and comfortable using them is only intelligent. Just like making monogamy a habit using condoms or other contraceptives habitual is healthy and smart.

5. ORAL SEX EQUALS SEX I will understand that sex with the mouth or Oral
Sex is Sex. Sex has three purposes which I call the 3 Rs. Reproduction, recreation and rejuvenation. Sex is the natural way humans reproduce (its sad but with the inventions of science there are other ways to reproduce). Sex is also used recreationally by people. The term casual sex refer to the use of sex as a fun activity between people. Sex can also be rejuvenating. The Indian culture has the oldest text on the human sexual activity. Their concept of Karma Sutra is a belief that sex is not only a form of human bonding but is also capable of healing. The Tantra sexual positions (which oral sex is one) used in the Karma Sutra is better translated as cooperative yoga. Oral sex satisfies two of the three purposes of sex. It conveys emotion which allows it to be both pleasurable and bonding. Oral sex for people who are new to having sex can be the more pleasurable than vaginal sex. Oral sex and anal sex are the primary form of sex for homosexual couples. Oral sex is capable of transmitting disease as well. This is why Oral sex should be accepted as sex and not simply a sex alternative.