“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” ~ J.K. Rowling
Nowadays my ability to ignore MS is getting weaker while the fear of my future is growing stronger. And I must admit, my patience has a minimum. So waiting for a cure feels like I’m holding on to nothing. I’d be more tolerant if I had the time. But I don’t. After all, I’m living with a chronic debilitating disease.
Sometimes I wish I could put MS on pause. But instead, it stays constant. It’s a blues I can’t drink away. A pain I can’t run from. An annoyance I can’t ignore. Destroying my memory, making me an orphan to my old life. And every time I see a picture from my past, the Polaroid dust burns me from the memory of healthier times.
I try not to be too emotional but my mind doesn’t work like that. Some days I cry all-day and other times I feel nothing. But regardless of how I react, my battle remains 24/7. Even when I sleep, I am constantly disturbed by leg spasms and cramps. And when I am awake, a lot of my time is spent tying up loose ends created by MS.
And just when I become dishearten by the whole process. I ask the universe to reveal solutions. I close my eyes and I can hear encouraging chants echoing inside my mind. It’s almost as if angels are whispering to me, “You will survive this.”
With those words I am inspired. It gives me hopes that are taller than giants. Providing me the bravery to continue the search for my purpose and what skills I still possess. Showing me the secrets of where to hide from the shadows. Allowing me to sit back and look towards my future and see the sunrise beyond the darkness.
I know there will be trials and tribulations but I now choose to focus on the goodness in my life and leave the rest to fate. I can continue to stumble on all the reasons why not to embrace joy or I can choose to be happy.
For so long, I’ve been sitting in darkness and sleeping through the sunshine. But now, I’m going to live an active life. And have fun the whole time, while running toward the sun.