While participating in an HIV prevention class we role played a variety of scenarios. One of the scenarios was an unexpected sex scenario which was very much like date rape. We learned how to help girls who feel they have to have sex with their boyfriend talk their boyfriends into using condoms. Most of these girls were in abusive relationships but some of the others were just girls who allowed themselves to be put in a situation where the guy expected sex so much he would not take NO for an answer. This is a classic DATE RAPE scenario. And how common is DATE RAPE? Well a reported 68% percent of rape victims knew their rapist as a boyfriend, friend or casual acquaintance. 68%, yes almost 70%. 70% is the majority of RAPE cases but yet our rape prevention education is all martial arts and pepper spray. Things which are useless in date rape situations.
While thinking about these date rape situations and how common they are I could only think of prevention. In my book The Hip Hop Dating Guide I explain how the Hip Hop Dating Codes help prevent rape and date rape. In my workshop I explain this further to help girls to understand that they need to say NO before they go up to a guy’s room after a date. I tell guy’s the “blame it on the alcohol” defense will get them locked up for rape. However this is not enough.
I have put this list together for guys who don’t want to end up committing DATE RAPE. When we think of rapist we think of people like Matias Reyes the man who raped the Central Park jogger not men like Mike Tyson or Kobe Bryant. Matias Reyes waited for his victims in the dark for women who were alone. He would jump on them and force himself on his victims. This is very brutal and violent. This is the type of rape martial arts and pepper spray works to prevent but its still only about 32% of rape cases. Most commonly rape perpetrators are guys who may be like Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson invited a girl to his hotel room and performed oral sex on her before having sex with her. Anyway, the day after Mike Tyson had sex with this girl who’s name you can google she announced she was raped. Mike Tyson was sentenced to 10 years. This was very hard for me to swallow. I couldn’t believe it. This case was real and it changed the face of rape and put fear in the hearts of guys. Many guys still invite girls who are unsure whether they want to have sex with them to the rooms and apartments to turn their NOs to maybes and eventually YESs to sex. So to help these guys not become RAPIST and to help prevent rape in a different way than the existing methods so I put together this list of tips for guys.
This list is also for guys who don’t want to get BLUE BALLs either. This hits home for me because when I was in college I got a severe case of the infamous Blue Balls. I was in my dormroom dancing, well grinding on a girl. We were grinding for what seemed like hours which could have been because in was in the 80s, in New Jersey and we were dancing to House music. After we danced she did not want to continue the party and have sex with me in my bedroom. Not a problem I had her phone number and she lived on campus so I was sure I would see her later and we could take our relationship to the next level. However, I had had an erection the entire time we were dancing which is why I think we danced so long and when I woke up the next morning I saw blood in my underwear. I was like woah. I didn’t masturbate because my penis was sore. I wondered if she had some super venereal disease that could jump through her pants or something. I went to the doctor prepared for news that I had an STD. The doctor told me I had put a lot of strain on my penis and popped a blood vessel. That experience taught me a valuable lesson and I never let myself get Blue Balls again.
Here is my list of things men can do to protect themselves from getting arrested for rape or busting a blood vessel.
1. Learn how to have sex. I mean learn how to be real good at sex. Nobody is taught how to have sex. Everyone makes it up on their own so most people don’t do a good job. I call what we do mutual masturbation you know that “did get yours cause I got mine sex.” Its not partner sex. This is why many women don’t have their first orgasm until their late 20s or 30s. Learning how to be good at having sex will give a person the confidence to place a high value on their sex. People good at sex know what that it takes two people interested in having sex with each other to have it. These people will be less likely to have sex with people who are not certain they want to have sex with them. When good sex practitioners do have sex with a girl they will please the girl so much she will not regret it or forget it. They will make mutual orgasms the goal. So fellas take a Tantric Sex class or start attending some passion parties.
2. Don’t seduce women or use seduction drugs like alcohol or Spanish fly. While society gives men the role of the romantic lead things have gone way overboard. Too much seduction is RAPE. Getting a girl so drunk that she finally gives into the sexual advances of the guy she is with may be the theme song of Jamie Foxx and Kanye West’s 2010 hit record
“Blame it on the alcohol” but in a court of law it is RAPE. If guys want to avoid a girl waking up the next morning and naming them as one of her rapist then they should not use any of these rape aids. I once heard of a guy who doesn’t have sex with women who are drunk. How smart is he. Lastly, when guys learn how to have good tantric sex they will see alcohol as hindrance for enjoying the full pleasures of love making.
3. Get a sex confirmation. I’m not suggestion you develop a sex contract like the skit on the Dave Chapel show. What I’m suggesting is not that formal. I suggest that guys announce what the possibilities of their evening with the young lady they are on a date with. It doesn’t have to be awkward, it can sound cool like “I would love to make love to you tonight if that is okay with you.” Even at that moment when you are saying goodnight you could say “I had such a good time I love to____” or “If I come up to your apartment making love you would have to be on the menu so if you would like that then let’s go if not then I’ll be ready when you’re ready.” If a girl is interested in having sex with you then these lines will not stop her or destroy the romance. If a girl is not interested in having sex with you at that time or later then these lines will not make you look corny. Being clear about your sexual intentions adds passion. Read 50 Shades of Grey if you do not believe me.
4. Understand a woman can say NO to sex at any time. This is the law of the land. Rape is sex with a person who doesn’t want to have sex or continued sex with a person who doesn’t want to continue having it. I use the reference of Kobe Bryant incident where he was accused of rape. Allegedly Kobe was staying in a hotel and a girl who worked there came to his room and had sex with him. The day or so after the girl accused Kobe of raping her. People thought because she came to his room Kobe didn’t rape her. I like to say that his first eight inches were consensual. I use that story to drive the point home that a woman can say NO at any time. A woman put on the condom on and the guy can insert his penis once or twice but after the third pump she can say NO or STOP. Any insertions after that is RAPE and that makes the male a RAPSIST. They don’t have a separate category for date rapists they go to same jail as the killers. Kobe got lucky because he had money and was a well-liked celebrity. Most men end up like Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson was sentenced to 10 years in prison because a woman who came to his hotel room testified that Mike forced himself on her and raped her. In Mike Tyson’s one man play Undisputed Truth he tells his side of the story which includes him performing oral sex on her prior having vaginal sex with her.
5. Learn how to meet the women you like. The ability for somebody to see somebody they are attracted to and go up to that person and get their interest is liberating. This ability give people more options when it comes to people to date and in this case have sex with. When guys don’t know how to meet girls they feel lucky when they finally get someone who agrees to chill with them in a romantic environment. They are so excited they often get sexually aroused just by the girl entering the room. Their so happy they can think of no other women. Many times they’ve treated the girl to dinner and dating activities so much so that they feel they deserve sex. Their attraction is so strong they convince themselves the girl is ready for sex as well. They can’t image the girl would feel any other way. This is a dangerous fantasy and would not be so common if guys learned how to meet the girls they like because they would also look for the feelings to be mutual. They wouldn’t be scared of one girl not liking them because they would have many girls to choose from.