Physically, I’ve been feeling okay, but emotionally I’m ridden with guilt.
I’ve come to realize, the more I have trouble accomplishing task, the more it leaves my loved ones around me, picking up my slack. And that deficiency makes me feel guilty, grateful and sad all wrapped up in one.
When I’m tired, my husband literally has to dress me. He also has to feed me and help me use the restroom. To be honest, from time to time, I lower my head in shame when he’s helping me in public because it makes me feel like a dependent failure.
I know, I should be celebrating I have so much support in my life. But instead, I sometimes spend my whole day grieving over all the things MS has taken away from me. I just get caught up in dwelling on my old life and career. I get so engrossed with my problems; it causes me to dismiss other people’s issues as trivial as compared to mine. I’ve never been a fan of running from difficulties but the pain from MS sometimes has me wanting to hide away from the world. The disease consumes me and all the independence I have lost because of it, rings in my head.
So when I’m feeling sorry for myself, I sometimes forget how much my husband has to give up for me. He use to jog in the park but doesn’t do that anymore because I’m afraid to be left alone. That sucks for the both of us. Especially, since he always makes sure I make it to all my workouts and physical therapy.
The problem is, I don’t know how to show him how much I appreciate him. So, what can I do to express my immeasurable love and gratitude? I need ideas.
What are some small things you do to show your love?