MS is always there. Sitting in me. Waiting to attack. It’s like everyday my body is playing a cruel trick on me. Numbness and muscle spasms are my new normals. It’s taking a lot out of me to stay up and active and there are times I cannot use my arms, sit up right or even think straight.
At times, MS controls not only my body but also my emotions. I feel sadness, anger and grief all at once. It’s a melancholy cloud that hangs over my head until I can’t take anymore.
And that’s when I cry.
It seems as if every single night I have a little cry. I usually do it when no one is looking. I go in the bathroom, close the door, turn on the faucet water and just cry. I have been doing this for years.
I always thought no one knew about it until the other day my husband ask me why I was crying.
I defensively replied, “What are you talking about? I wasn’t crying.”
He said, “Sure you were. I could hear you in the bathroom. I usually don’t say anything but this time you seemed to be in there longer than usual.”
I was taken a back by what he had said.
“Wait! You can hear me?” I yelled. “You have always known that I cry in the bathroom? Why didn’t you say anything?”
He replied, “Everyone needs sometime to grieve and I was just allowing you to have your time.”
I must admit I appreciate that time and that he allows me to have my clandestine tears.